What if

What if I wasn’t just obsessed with the idea of being with you? What if I loved the reality? The laughter, jokes, songs, everything that felt freeing? Our accents and alternate personalities, our deep talks and emotional vulnerability… the fact that we only fought because we felt like we were running out of time together, the beautiful serendipity of loving being friends first? The moments when we felt so much love even when everything else hurt? Perhaps what we were missing was grace and understanding that we as humans will never be perfect, perhaps we ran much too quickly into the deep end and instead of swimming back to where we could stand it was easier to leave the pool completely? Maybe our anxiety is telling us there’s only 2 ways; drowning or surviving by swimming and even though both sound exhausting we never tried… Floating. Appreciating the present without questioning. When reality got real it became really draining. Sometimes I wonder if we could go back, with boundaries. Take a swim in the pool and then take time for resting and other activities.. it’s been months and I wonder if you even think I’m still here pondering, it’s hard to let go of what we had, when what we had held so much beauty.